this photo ...

The final group
Originally uploaded by justinw

... is now up with the family photos at my mom's house. I was beyond delighted to see it up there! I guess since I am on my way to being the last one of my generation to get married and/or have kids, this is a good way for me not to look lonely among all the spouse & children photos ;) Now I want to bring all my friends home to meet my mom! Though we wouldn't all fit in my mom's house ;)

I heard the bells ...

In lieu of an actual post, here are the words to a Christmas song that I just noticed for the first time this year. I am particularly moved by the last two verses. Enjoy!

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

running update

Thanks for the encouraging words many of you shared after the last post ...

Five days before the race I caught a cold at work.  Remembering last winter's killer cold I stayed home on Wednesday (well, after pushing pushing pushing through Tuesday) just to rest up and prevent things from becoming bad.  Then I lived normal life - running myself ragged with work and household and YA group and whatever else came my way - both Thursday and Friday.  Saturday morning at 3:00 and 4:00 and 5:00 I woke and worried, half-awake, that I wouldn't be able to run the race, and wondered whether I even ought to try.

But of course I tried anyway.

I ran the 5K (about 3 miles) and came in with a time around 37 minutes.  I don't know the exact numbers because they don't have the results posted online, but whatever.  I did not come in last.  Hooray!  I think I did come in last in my age group (translation: all the women around my age ran faster than I did).  I also am pretty sure that I did NOT beat my 10K pace.  But, whatever, I was sick.  I am not super-excited about my results but at least I got rid of the burning "I have to do another race" feeling.

This past week, though, I watched the movie "Spirit of the Marathon," a documentary about six people (two pros, four amateurs) running the Chicago marathon.  Man, I was wiping away tears at the end, watching them cross the finish line ... 

I have very small goals right now.  I plan to run once a week through the winter and I hope to improve my 5K time.  (I want to feel good about my 5K before going back to the 10K).  Looking at this year's Sunburst results, it looks like I could put myself in the top 50% of the women's 5K if I could run it in 32 minutes.  It will be hard but I think I can do it.  If I work hard at it all winter.

This year, improve my 5K.  Then maybe another year and I will run a respectable 10K time.  Maybe then a half-marathon.  (Or maybe not.)  Maybe someday a marathon.  (Or maybe not.)  As much as I hate running - I really do sometimes - maybe even most of the time - there's really something intoxicating about simply doing something hard.  Or maybe it's the measurement that attracts me - I have no concrete way to tell if I am improving at social work or household or friendship or prayer or anything else I strive for - but with running it is there in minutes and seconds for me to see, that I am improving, and that I can improve even more.  It feels almost indulgent to carve out a part of my life for it, but I think it's a gift from the Lord - I think he sits back and smiles to see us all running around and using the amazing bodies he gave us.

So anyway, that's the end of the racing season for now.  I'll try to post now and then about training during the winter, but as for races - I'll see you there in the spring ...

zeal (running the race)

This post is all about running, and all about the Kingdom.

I wasn't exactly looking forward to the Fall Frolic - mostly looking forward to it being over. Training is hard. It takes a lot of time, and it doesn't always - scratch that, it doesn't very often at all - feel very good. I don't have a lot of experience with the "runner's high" yet. Not sure if I think it exists. So even though I've had some good training moments in the past few months - discovered that if I only ran a mile I could do so in ten minutes, wow! - overall I was tired of dragging myself out to the Riverside trail to buffet my body two or three times a week.

But race day is always fun, and the morning of the Fall Frolic was bright and crisp, and I was surrounded by friends. Until the gun went off to start the race. Then my friends sped ahead - they're really good runners - and I ambled along like a turtle with some other slow runners. OK, not a turtle, but kinda slow. Slow is OK right?

Slow is OK until everyone passes you. I mean everyone. By mile two, I had lost sight of all my fellow runners. I could hear the bicyclist about ten feet behind me, bringing up the rear of the 10K crowd, making sure no one got lost or collapsed. Finally I turned around and jogged backwards and asked him if he could just come up and bike parallel with me so at least I would have someone to talk to. Thank God for this guy, I mean literally, what a blessing he was to me. He humored me and kept talking for the next four miles, talking about his work, his family, the book that he wrote, Notre Dame sports, anything. I don't know if I could have finished the race without him.

So I did finish. Peter and Sarah and Daniel and Bridget all walked back from the finish line to run me in, and I finished at 1:15 or so - ten minutes faster than I'd run a 10K before!!! But still in last place. Then we hung out waiting for the awards to be passed out. Almost every one of my friends won a medal. Because they are great runners! And I was truly happy for them, but at the same time truly very sad to be so far behind them in skill, and to work so hard and improve so much and then still be so embarrassingly far behind everyone else in the whole race. Gosh, writing about it, I am still sad. Getting over it, but sad.

So anyway, prior to race day, I'd decided the Fall Frolic would definitely be the last race of the year for me. I was sick and tired of training. I just wanted to take my life back and wait until spring to run again. But ... I couldn't end the year with a race like this one. I couldn't just come in last and leave it at that.

So I'm back in training again. Granted, only for a short while - the next race is this weekend, only two weeks after the Frolic - and to be honest, my chances of coming in "not-last" are no better in this race. Probably worse, actually, because it's a very small run. But I just have to do it. It's a determination I haven't really felt before. I can't quit now, I have to keep trying to get better.

So here's the important part of this story. This weekend on the PoP women's retreat, we talked about zeal, and having zeal for building the Kingdom, and 1 Corinthians 9:24 was cited frequently - here it is in the Message translation:

"You've all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You're after one that's gold eternally. I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself."

I joked throughout the weekend that it's not true that only one wins - it's actually several in each age category. Hahaha. But here's the thing - because I came in last (really really last) in the Fall Frolic, and because of this Scripture during the retreat, I understand now what "zeal" means. I didn't understand before, because I didn't have zeal when I was just discovering my own (minimal) ability to run, and thanking God for my body working, and enjoying doing something healthy, etc. That was all really good. But I never had this attitude of I am going to do better at this if it kills me. I am NOT satisfied being last and once I come in not-last, I will only be a little bit satisfied, because I -

(fingers frozen while I wonder if I am actually going to commit this to words)

- I am not really going to be satisfied until I win a medal. Which will probably be at least a couple years from now, and that's probably optimistic. But I am not hitting backspace right now, and the goal is out there for all of you to see, I will win a medal someday.

So what about the Kingdom?

If zeal for running causes me to set a foolish goal like winning a medal then I am almost afraid to see where zeal for Christ could take me. (Where it could take us. As a community.) But it's an exhilarating thought. I'm building the Kingdom at a pretty comfortable pace right now. What would it be like to build the Kingdom until it started to hurt? Until I couldn't breathe anymore? Until I started to feel dizzy? What would it be like to build the Kingdom until I was exhausted and then just keep going? What medals are out there to be won for the Kingdom? And what kind of training do I need to do to win them? A day or two after the Frolic I went to the library to get books on running and I pored over them, searching for ways to do better. Do I read Scripture like that - hungry for guidance, eager to follow what it says, anxious to get there and do it and see the results?

Psalm 69:9. "Zeal for your house consumes me."

Come, Lord Jesus!

a fact and a promise

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." - Mt. 10:39

Recently I was asked to leave my women's group and area, to head up a new women's group in a different area. For a few days after being asked, I couldn't even think about it. My women's group means the world to me - every Monday night I am so eager to hear what's been going on with them - the ups and downs of family life, the ideas they've been pondering, what they think about the latest community event, what they think about the world. Women's group discussions have shaped how I perceive and experience the community. We frequently have to tear ourselves away from the conversation at the end of the night. Between Mondays I jump at any opportunity to spend time with them and share in their lives, whether it's dinner with their family, or giving one of their kids a ride to an activity, or seeing them at a concert. I would venture to say my women's group is the biggest part of how I live community, the deepest and richest connection I have to the branch. So how could I leave it?

Last weekend I finally took a deep breath and sat down to discuss this issue with the Lord. And I couldn't help but start crying. "Lord," I asked, "why do you want me to lose everything?" And the Lord replied, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

The notes in my Bible explain Mt. 10:39 like this: "One who denies Jesus in order to save one's earthly life will be condemned to everlasting destruction; loss of earthly life for Jesus' sake will be rewarded by everlasting life in the kingdom."

Well, I don't really think this verse is just about heaven and salvation and martyrdom. I think it's also about life on earth, life in the here-and-now Kingdom of God.

The first part is a fact. Whoever finds his life will lose it. Do you know anyone who has achieved his or her perfect life and just stayed there forever? I don't. You find your life - you find blessings, you get settled, you are satisfied with what the Lord has given you - and then something changes. It always will. Maybe you have to change jobs, or move to a new city. Maybe a loved one passes away. Maybe you get sick. The point is, every time you find your life, you will eventually lose it.

But here's the promise. If you lose it for the Lord's sake, you will find it again. If you see an opportunity to serve or glorify the Lord in some way, and to do so means losing your life ... well, you were going to lose your life at some point anyway. But losing it for the Lord's sake will inevitably cause you to find it, because serving the Lord always brings life.

So I had found my life. Quite a life it was, with five wonderful women that I love dearly, in an area that I loved so much too. But I would have to lose it sometime, and this is an opportunity to serve the Lord, so I'm going to do it.

Disclaimer: all this is not to say that my new women's group and area are anything to be sad about. This will be at least my tenth time changing women's group and the third area I will have lived in (plus campus division), and each new situation has had great blessings, and I am looking forward to it! The girls I'll be in WG with now are DELIGHTFUL and I can't wait to get to know them better - can't wait to get to know the others in the area either. So all the sadness I had to work through was certainly not because of what I was going to - it was just because of what I was losing.

And I'm still sad to lose my WG and my area. But the clarity with which the Lord responded to my sadness brought it home for me very concretely that He is with me, and that it's His adventure that I am choosing. And I know that in this adventure I will find my life. Alleluia!

somewhere out there

Out late tonight taking care of things, I saw the nearly-full moon and wondered who else of my friends and family might be seeing the same thing ...

off the trail

I have never thought of myself as much of a rule-breaker. But sometimes it's just irresistible ... The day after the race, we went to visit Munising Falls. They're very pretty! We stood on the platform at the end of the trail, took some nice photos of the falls, read the signs about "don't leave the trail, falling rock, erosion, blah blah blah", and then we hopped the fence and walked over to the falls. Let me tell you, it's a much cooler experience standing underneath the waterfall than looking at it from the platform. Standing on the platform, I was an observer of nature; standing underneath the falls I was part of nature.

We had a little more off-trail fun on our way back from the falls - there was a terrific mossy ledge on the side of a hill that was just begging to be the background for some group photos. Over the fence we went again. This was one of those moments when it was crucial to have friends around - friends who are better at climbing up mossy hillsides off the side of the trail - I may have chickened out if they hadn't been there to show me the right footholds and lend me a hand to grab onto.

We spent the entire next day at Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. One of the highlights was Miner's Castle, a sandstone formation that used to have two castle-esque turrets - now it has just one - but it is still a gorgeous sight to see, perched on the edge of Lake Superior. After the Castle we hiked around to Miner's Falls, which was even prettier than Munising Falls. What a pity that the viewing platform was at the top of a steep rocky-looking hill and we couldn't possibly climb over ... then I saw someone climb over. I can't remember who went first. Even after the first person went, I hesitated - it just didn't look do-able - but after a few moments I knew I would regret it if I didn't climb down.

The climb didn't turn out to be too bad, and it could have been ten times worse and still worth it. [Sheila pauses for several moments trying to figure out how to describe the Miner's Falls experience to her readers. A picture is worth a thousand words, so she gives up and just uploads a couple more photos.]
Later at another waterfall I decided I could not possibly follow my friends across the rushing stream since they crossed on a fallen log that looked really unsteady. Then I climbed down the bank and crossed on the unsteady log and had a great time at the top of the waterfall. Overall, some of the best moments of this trip happened off the trail. And if I hadn't been there with my adventurous friends I wouldn't have had nearly so much fun. Thanks, guys.